Column Date 2007-02-04

Who Iím backing for President in 2008

They’re calling W a “lame duck” President.

I beg to differ.

From the way he’s been acting recently, I would say he’s more like a typical three-year-old – a child who wants to do it his way or not at all, who’s sure he never makes mistakes, who gets tired and cranky when people disagree with him.

The new congress (both Democrats and Republicans) has started saying “NO” to him a lot – a word that every kid hates.

And since bullying doesn’t work any more, W has changed his tactics: now he’s going around saying the nicest things he can think of.

After six years in office, he’s suddenly worried about our addiction to oil – and says our cars need to get better mileage.

Suddenly, he’s concerned about obscene executive pay. (It’s hard for him to ignore, actually. Witness the Ford Motor Company, after announcing a record loss of $12.7 billion in 2006, giving bonuses to executives so they won’t move to other companies. Seems to me that these are exactly the people you want to move to other companies...)

Suddenly, he’s talking about this newfangled idea called “global warming.” At least he kinda, sorta, more or less alluded to that in his state of the union address.

In short, W is acting just like a three-year-old who says “I really love you, Daddy,” out of the blue. This, of course, makes any parent immediately suspicious. (“What does the kid want now?”)

Nobody knows exactly what W is up to, but I certainly think it’s time to start thinking about his replacement.

And since the American people have already learned to put up with a three-year-old in office, I would like to nominate my granddaughter, Emily, for the office of President of the United States.

Here’s why Emily would make an outstanding President:

1. She has already learned to share. This is a rare quality for anyone in Washington.

2. She plays well with others. (At least that’s the report from her pre-K teacher).

3. She’s good at “time-outs.” When she doesn’t get what she wants, she goes to her bedroom to cool down -- she doesn’t tell the world that her parents are evil, or misguided. Or that anyone who disagrees with her is un-patriotic.

4. She has begun to understand what’s fiction (Pooh bear) and what’s real (the black bear at the zoo). This is important, particularly when you’re running a war.

5. She talks a lot. If another kid in the playground grabs her pail, she starts by talking to the kid, before hitting him over the head with her shovel.

In short, she has all the qualities Americans look for in a real leader.

Right now, our family is seriously considering forming an “exploratory committee” to raise money for Emily’s presidential campaign.

We figure that as long as the country is going to be governed by a three-year-old, it might as well be a real one.

©2007 Peter Tannen