Column Date 2006-12-16

Pete’s Predictions for 2007

The more things change, a philosopher said, the more they stay the same. So, with that in mind, here are my personal predictions for the coming year:

1. The Yankees will spend $250,000,000 buying new ballplayers from Japan. Since Japanese players will now be in the majority, the team will vote to change their name to the New York Yellowtail. They will still not win the World Series.

2. Man breaks record: lives in bubble for seven years. The man, of course, is President Bush who will remain in his “Double Bubble” for all of 2007. His original bubble insulated him from most of the American public since he was first elected. His recently discovered second (or ‘double’) bubble, now insulates him from the majority of the Republican Party, as well.

3. Having made millions showing Christ in agony and Mayans ripping out the hearts of their enemies on the big screen, Mel Gibson has an epiphany and announces that he will direct a new version of Bambi. He also pledges to use only Jewish actors for the characters’ voices.

4. China will disappear for six weeks under a giant cloud of dense industrial smog. This pollution will cause all manufacturing to stop. America’s trade balance will improve drastically. President Bush, from inside his bubble, will say his tax cuts are responsible.

5. A sex scandal will be uncovered in Congress. The Ethics Committee will express regret but claim it is powerless to take action.

6. An influence peddling scandal will be uncovered in Congress. The Ethics Committee will express regret but claim it is powerless to take action.

7. A teenage pop singer will marry for the fourth time. The marriage will last a record 72 hours.

8. A new TV reality show, “Bribery in Washington,” will make Fox #1 among 18-34 year old viewers. The Justice Department will offer immunity to Congressmen who appear on the show, saying they are involved in an “educational” series to teach young people how the “real world” works.

9. A nationwide medical study will find that exercise and diet are important for good health.

10. The Internal Revenue Service will buy Bermuda, the Cayman Islands and other offshore tax havens. Revenue from collected taxes will more than make up for the initial cost, says an IRS spokesperson.

11. The world’s largest home (375,000 square feet) will be built by a Microsoft billionaire on his own Hawaiian Island. He tells reporters “I’m a single guy and I like to entertain.”

12. A major senior citizen’s lobby will urge Congress to create new food labeling categories. They suggest labels for “Soft Food,” “Early Bird Special Food,” and “Food That Doesn’t Cause Gas.”

13. The housing market will boom again, then collapse again, then boom again. A panel of Nobel Award-winning economists will suspect some sort of boom/bust cycle.

14. A Long Island middle-school teacher will enter the Guinness Book of World Records for actually reading an internet blog, from beginning to end. “It was really awful writing,” she says.

So there you have it – Pete’s Predictions for the New Year. I’ll let you know what my batting average is in December.

In the meantime, have a happy, healthy, and laugh-filled year.

©2006 Peter Tannen