Column Date 2014-01-04


-- U.S. Geological Survey report

(Washington, D.C., April 1) The U.S. government released a long-awaited geological report that contains startling news for the NY area.

According to data made public this morning, the whole of Long Island has begun to slowly drift northeastward, toward Connecticut.

“The reason for this is unclear,” said a USGS spokesperson, “but shock waves from the recent massive earthquakes in the Western Pacific basin may have loosened the crystalline bedrock on which Long Island has rested since the Paleozoic Age.”

According to the report, the island is drifting 96.5 cm (approx. 38 in.) a year -- slowly enough to escape public notice, but fast enough to cause considerable damage when the North Shore of Long Island inevitably collides with the shoreline of Connecticut.

“Shifting tectonic plates in our area,” continued the spokesperson, “could speed up this move dramatically. But it’s too early to calculate exactly how fast the island will be traveling when it hits the mainland.”

According to maps that accompanied the report, Brooklyn will graze Westchester County and continue moving in a northeasterly direction until it comes to rest near Greenwich, CT.

On the eastern end, Montauk will wind up moving into Narragansett Bay.

Manhattan will then be exposed directly to the Atlantic Ocean, and will develop miles of beaches along the East Side, stretching from Canal Street up to the previous site of the Throg’s Neck Bridge. (These new ocean beaches will replace the entire FDR Drive and Avenues C & D.)

Northport, LI will run into Fairfield, Connecticut, a severe cultural shock for both communities. Not to mention the astonishment of Mattituck residents waking up to see the historic colonial homes of Old Lyme on the outskirts of their farms.

Serious political and economic questions arise:

*   Will Long Island continue to be part of New York State? Or will it become part of a new, expanded Connecticut?

*   Will wealthy residents of Westport and Fairfield be given access to Long Island beaches – or, as the area will be called, the “Connecticut Hamptons”?

*   Will people from Manhattan foresake the Hamptons for the new “Manhattan Riviera”?

*   And will the Nets and Islanders be able to draw a new fan base from Fairfield County, whose main sporting interests appear to be Jai Alai and World Wrestling?

The Governors of both states have called for a joint emergency task force to figure out if this “Island Drift” can be stopped, or at least slowed.

Private talks with General Electric, manufacturer of some of the most powerful turbine engines in the world, hint at the possibility of multiple turbines being mounted on the North Shore of Long Island to push the island back south, to its original location.

However, it remains unclear how this multi-turbine plan will overcome strict noise and environmental regulations in both Nassau and Suffolk Counties.

The U.S. Council of Vodka, Gin, Tequila and Rum Distillers were quick to announce their support for this joint task force, due to their serious concerns about whether “Connecticut Iced Tea” will have the same marketing clout as the current “Long Island Iced Tea.”

In related news, a rumor that Texas has also come loose and could wind up separating from rest of the United States was greeted with enthusiasm from most other states.

© 2013 Peter Tannen