Column Date 2011-05-10

Let's help America find a new enemy!

With the death of Osama Bin Laden, the U.S.A. is facing a serious new problem: a shortage of meaningful enemies.


After all, the war is winding down in Iraq, there’s a new plan to pull American troops out of Afghanistan, and even Russia doesn’t want to bury us any more; they just want to sell us their oil and gas.


Without a new enemy, there’s just no way the Pentagon can justify spending $700 billion each year – almost half of the money spent on defense by all the countries on earth combined. (The entire budget for the Environmental Protection Agency, by comparison, is $10.5 billion.)


It’s clear that America needs somebody to be afraid of – a reliable new boogeyman to help our threatened military economy.


To help us get started, here are some thoughts from the Tannen Weekly:


1. “Satan” does not qualify, despite enormous numbers of leaflets from fundamentalist churches left on our doorstep. Unfortunately, he (or she) cannot be engaged in combat by anything our Military-Industrial-Congressional complex can supply.


2.  Sorry, the “United Nations” doesn’t work as an enemy, either. Let’s get real – they can’t even force their own diplomats to pay the $18,000,000 they owe New York City for parking tickets.


3.  Muslims.” Unfortunately, more and more Muslims have been  exposed by the FBI as peace-loving people who just want to be left alone to worship as they choose. The wacko little groups of jihadists are in decline, and it is clear that Muslims are no more an enemy than Yankee fans.


4.  Nation States.” Two come to mind: North Korea and China.  North Korea is just plain irritating, and hasn’t even figured out how to feed its own people. China could be a problem, but we owe them so much money, and buy so many of their products, both economies would self-destruct if they became our enemy.  


5.  Telemarketers.” This group ranked #1 on everyone’s list, and are universally despised. The problem is, we don’t know what they look like or where to find them. Before they become our official enemy, the Pentagon will have to do lots more research and probably even a nationwide phone survey.


As you can see, picking a new enemy isn’t easy.


If you have any thoughts about who America’s next enemy should be, go to our website – --  and send us an email.


It’s the patriotic thing to do.



(c) 2011 Peter Tannen



To hear a podcast of this column, please go to: