Column Date 2011-02-03
THE SUPER BOWL FOR SMALL PEOPLE
Do you feel small and insignificant when Super Bowl Sunday rolls around?
Well, you should. Just look at the statistics:
For the Pittsburgh Steelers:
Flozell Adams, 6’7”, 338 lbs.
Tral Essex, , 6’5”, 324 lbs.
Jonathan Scott, 6’6”, 318 lbs.
Even their quarterback, Ben Roethlisberger is 6’5” and weighs 241 pounds.
For the Green Bay Packers:
Bryan Bulaga, 6’5”, 314 lbs.
Chad Clifton, 6’5”, 320 lbs.
Howie Green, 6’2”, 340 lbs.
Their quarterback, little Aaron Rodgers, weighs in at just 225 pounds, and stands a mere 6’2” tall.
You have to admit that these are really, really big people. And I think this is grossly unfair to us ordinary-sized people – after all, we’re still the vast majority in this country.
So here’s my idea:
I propose that each team in the NFL should be limited to 1.25 tons of players on the field at the same time.
That’s right -- one-and-a-quarter tons of players on offense vs. one-and-a-quarter tons of players on defense. 2,500 pounds vs 2,500 pounds. And not an ounce more on either team.
Now, if a coach really wanted to, he could still put an offensive line of five 310-pound players on the field. But that would leave him with only 950 pounds for both tight ends and the whole backfield – an average of only 158 pounds per player!
Is this an opportunity for ordinary-sized people or what?
The bottom line is that a whole bunch of very talented, regular-sized players would have a chance to play on NFL teams and maybe even get to the Super Bowl.
And I predict that TV ratings will go through the roof – because people like watching people just like themselves. (Which is probably why we watch shows like “American Idol” in the first place.)
A great feeling of pride will sweep America: “Hey, look at that 160 pound, 5’7” guy run down the field – I can do that!”
Now I suppose some nitpicker will say that we shouldn’t call it the “Super” Bowl anymore -- not with our 1.25 ton team weight limit.
But that’s just a marketing problem.
We can always call it “Super Bowl Light.”
Or better, ”The First Super Bowl With No Saturated Fat.”
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© 2011 Peter Tannen