Column Date 2010-12-07
OBAMA AND REPUBLICANS REACH DEAL: EARTH IS A CUBE
WASHINGTON, D.C.– After weeks of debate, President Obama and the Republican party negotiated a bi-partisan agreement on the shape of our planet.
“The Earth,” according to a joint statement released this morning, “is now officially a cube.”
The Republicans, aggressively pursuing their “Flat Earth” policy, threatened to bring congress to a complete halt until the issue was resolved.
Obama and the Democrats, citing reams of scientific evidence that the Earth is round, finally compromised when the Republicans agreed to end their push for lower Medicaid payments.
“The ‘Flat Earth’ concept has been around since biblical times,” said Senator Eric Cantor of Virginia, the House Majority Leader. “It just took someone with guts to finally stand up for American beliefs. And, when you think about it, a flat earth is just common sense – folks have to believe their own eyes and not some elite, over-educated scientists. ”
The compromise – the Earth being neither flat nor round, but a cube – was suggested by Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky, whose state is currently providing large tax incentives to build a Noah’s Ark theme park.
Observers noted that this pending change does not apply to everyone.
The U.S. Navy, for example, will continue to use its traditional charts and navigation equipment for another 13 months. A Navy spokesperson said they were afraid sailors might suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome when they come to one of the flat edges of the cube and their ship starts falling off.
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(c) 2010 Peter Tannen