Column Date 2008-09-19
Before you vote, take these educational tours
In the interest of making Americans the best informed voters in the world, we've set up five special tours – each one guaranteed to make you a more knowledgeable, responsible voter.
Come broaden your horizons -- Republicans, Democrats, Independents, and anyone who still remembers that Ralph Nader is running, are all welcome.
1. The "Let's Change Washington" tour – a trip inside Republican headquarters to meet all the people John McCain will fire
Change is hard – particularly when you've been part of the Washington establishment for over 20 years.
But we're confident John McCain, maverick that he is, will step up to the plate and fire all those senior Republican leaders, advisors, and his many close friends who got us into our current military, economic and moral mess in the first place.
(Note: If McCain is not elected, your deposit will be refunded. If McCain is elected and does not get rid of these people, you get no refund at all. You should have known better.)
2. Our "Visit Alaska and See Russia" tour
Our travel experts confirm that you can see Russia from Sarah Palin's home state.
So join our expedition to Alaska, the last frontier. Once you get a glimpse of Russia, you'll know all you need to know about it.
And, by staying on American soil, you won't have to bother with complicated visa forms, changing dollars to rubles, or figuring out what a 'blini' is.
(People interested in this tour might also like our "Visit San Diego and see Mexico" tour, or our new "Visit Key West and see Communist Cuba" excursion.)
3. The "Wall St. Foreclosure" tour – everything you always wanted to know about subprime mortgages but were afraid to ask
A unique opportunity to hear private lectures by unemployed economic analysts on how this never could have happened. Plus informal chats with professional "stock-pickers" and former financial cable-TV gurus whose brokerage firms no longer exist.
Find out what Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac actually do! Learn how to organize your own company's "bailout" by the U.S. government!
4. The "Gated Communities of Texas" tour – come see where all your money has gone
If you've ever wondered how really rich people live, you'll find out on this "insider's tour" of their sanctuaries.
Our luxury vans (7 mpg/highway, 5 mpg/city) will take you through some of the most exclusive gated communities in America – all known to harbor actual oil tycoons and their families.
And, with luck, your keen-eyed guide will even track down a few unindicted co-conspirators! Sorry, no photography allowed.
5. Our "Big Game of North America" tour* (Alaska & Texas)
Many people from elite, big cities have never shot wolves from an airplane. Or gutted a 1,200 pound moose in the field.
Here's your chance! After you've bagged your quota of Caribou, we'll fly south in our private jet to hunt the hard-to-identify Texas quail.
Warning: All guests (lawyers, in particular), are advised to wear dayglo or other brightly colored clothing while hunting in Texas to avoid being confused with prey.
*Ask about our special discount for NRA members.
©2008 Peter Tannen