Column Date 2008-08-22

Fox News covers your favorite Bible stories


You've got to hand it to the folks at Fox News – they really know how to spin a story.

Which makes me wonder how Fox, purveyor of news to the lowest common denominator, might cover some popular Bible stories if they happened today.

Adam and Eve

Police discover naked couple cavorting in lush garden. Claim to be just platonic friends. Questionable story involves snake, voices from sky and finally overcoming "apple-phobia." No visible means of support. Fox News suspects welfare fraud.

Noah

Rains and catastrophic floods, not due to global warming, inundate the Middle East. Thousands of animals herded onto wooden ark with no sanitation system. Will Nancy Pelosi and her "green" Democratic pals allow this aimlessly drifting boat to pollute our oceans and close Jones Beach?

The Promised Land


Thousands of illegal immigrants, so-called "Israelites," finally settle down after forty years of wandering in a barren desert to "find themselves." Drug enforcement officials speculate that hallucinogenic drugs caused the group to follow a "pillar of fire" at night and end up in the one place in the Middle East with no oil.

Plagues


Ten devastating plagues reported in the Middle East. Democratic majority cannot agree on strategy. Free enterprise steps in: French Culinary Institute sends platoon of chefs to capitalize on overabundance of frogs; Pfizer starts crash program on vaccine to prevent boils; major fertilizer companies angrily deny that rivers have turned "blood red" due to nitrogen runoff.

The Tower of Babel


World's tallest building rises in Asia; condos offered at astronomical prices. Work slows due to serious misunderstandings between Navajo steelworkers, Finnish welders and Laotian crane operators. "It's like we're suddenly all speaking different languages," one construction supervisor said. Blame belongs with trade unions, say analysts.

Samson and Delilah


Local body builder sues ex-girlfriend for cutting his hair while he slept. Claims "hair trauma" sapped his strength and caused mental disorientation, resulting in phone call to American Civil Liberties Union to see if his rights were violated. Promises to get back at "the philistines behind this."

Creation

Large bearded man in white robe claims to be creator of all things, including capitalism and the free-enterprise system. But says hedge funds, sub-prime mortgages, and argyle socks were never really part of His Plan. Threatens to sue stem cell laboratories for tampering with his patented genome sequences. Has been a registered Republican for eternity.


These stories, and shocking news about Obama, tonight at eleven.



©2008 Peter Tannen