Column Date 2008-07-11

Obama beats McCain as barbecue guest

The headline above is real. I did not make it up.

It's from an AP/Yahoo News poll released last week that said Americans would rather share a hot dog with Barak Obama than with John McCain by a 52-45 percent margin.

Obama's barbeque would be like "a family gathering," some people thought, while McCain's would be like "a retirement party".

It's very hard to decide who should be our next President, and thank goodness the media has stepped in with meaningful new polls to help us make an informed judgment.

Here, in the spirit of the political silly season which has clearly begun, I offer you the results of some other important polls you might have overlooked:

McCain ahead of Obama with Bobblehead Doll collectors

Obama trusted by 2-1 margin to "identify the signs of the zodiac"

McCain tops poll as "best person to remove fly from my beer"

Obama swamps McCain among parakeet owners

McCain hands-down choice to win waltz contest

Obama more likely to pronounce long words correctly

McCain favored by miniature golf players, 52-48 percent

Obama voted "more adventurous with new foods"

So there you have it. By November, you'll be reading the results of dozens of newspaper, TV and internet polls like these, to help you figure out which candidate is really qualified to be our next president.

To be honest, it has me longing for the good old days, when we were supposed to judge candidates by their wives' chocolate chip cookie recipes.

But as you consider these burning issues of our time, just remember what Abraham Lincoln said:

"Elections belong to the people. It is their decision. If they decide to turn their back on the fire and burn their behinds, then they will just have to sit on their blisters."

©2008 Peter Tannen