Column Date 2008-06-20

Bush pardons Cheney in advance

Washington, D.C.  In an unprecedented move, President George W. Bush today pardoned Vice-President Dick Cheney six months before they are both scheduled to leave office.

This new "Blanket Pardon," as the White House calls it, pardons the Vice-President for any decisions he made while in office, including all his actions, both public and those as-yet-undiscovered.

"Unfortunately, there are evil-doers right here in America," said the President, "and they'll try to get back at Dick Cheney as soon as his term is finished."

Cheney's Presidential pardon is not only the earliest in American history, but also the most unique, particularly since the Vice-President has yet to be officially charged with anything, by anybody.

"Dick Cheney is a great patriot," the President added, "and I'm sure everything he did -- I can't talk about that right now 'cause it's still classified -- was for the good of our country."

Attorney General Michael Mukasey said he believes this new "pre-emptive" pardon is clearly constitutional and expressed confidence that the Supreme Court would agree, on a 5-4 vote.

Rumors flew around Washington, including one that the President, before leaving office, will grant similar pardons to every member of his administration, as well as the CEOs of major oil companies and defense contractors.

A White House spokesperson reminded the press that the President is a "compassionate conservative," and is simply focusing on his "compassionate" side.

©2008 Peter Tannen