Column Date 2008-05-31

Holy Cereal!

The evangelical crusade, while faltering politically in the USA, seems to be turning its attention to the supermarket shelves these days. 

I recently noticed a new product you might be interested in, or, depending on your religious views, find solace in.

It's bottled water. I guess you could call it "holy water," although the manufacturers label it "Spiritual Water".

This water, whose source is the municipal water supply in Santa Ana, California, comes in a 16.9-ounce bottle and sells for $2.

There are eleven different plastic bottles of Spiritual Water, including "Balance" water (with the Lord's Prayer printed on the bottle), "Energy" water (The Lord is My Shepherd), and "Strength" water (Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, etc.). Each bottle also has a different inspirational picture on it, mainly, it seems, of Jesus.

"You drink it, and you just feel like you are in church," said one enthusiastic customer.

Speaking of Jesus, I wonder, with all the talk about how plastic bottles degrade the environment for thousands of years and some of them contain carcinogens, WWJD: What Would Jesus Drink? And, more importantly, WJR: Would Jesus Recycle?

All this makes me curious to see what other religious products might appear in our supermarkets.
We already have Bible Bars ("... a highly nutritious, all natural whole food bar based on the seven foods which the LORD calls "good" in the Book of Deuteronomy").

Not to mention Nazarene Wildflower Honey, imported from the Hills of Nazareth.

I suspect it's only a matter of time until we find "Bible-O's" on the cereal shelf (little eternal circles of oats that stay crunchy even when left sitting in milk).

Followed, no doubt, by "Judas' Original Supper Entrees" in the frozen food section (based on Biblical recipes, naturally).

Look for "Lot's Wife Iodized Salt" in the condiment section.

And perhaps "Garden of Eden Organic Apples" in produce (with a warning not to let your husband eat them, of course, or paradise will be lost.)

But why just Christian products? Where are the Jews? The Buddhists? The Muslims? The Hindus? Won't they all be fighting for shelf space?

I sincerely hope not.

The thought of "Wailing Wall Water" (Kosher for Passover) is too much to handle right now.

Although I do wonder which religion will figure out how to handle Devil's Food Cake Mix...

©2008 Peter Tannen